Chris Voss has many years of experience working with the FBI in international crises and high-stakes negotiations. In this enjoyable book, ‘Never Split the Difference’ he outlines the key principles for successful negotiation. This wisdom didn’t come easily or naturally but was developed through many years of experience, consulting with other professionals, and learning from painful mistakes that sadly cost lives. What is interesting, is that many of the skills that are crucial for successful negotiating are the same skills applied in effective coaching. Take a look at this wisdom from the FBI and see if this sounds familiar?
Listen Intensely – effective negotiators listen intently. They understand that people want to be understood and accepted. By listening we demonstrate empathy and build trust. We communicate a sincere desire to better understand what the other person is experiencing.
Question Assumptions – don’t commit to assumptions, question and test assumptions and remain open to all possibilities.
Presence - make your sole and all-encompassing focus the other person and what they have to say. Quiet the voices in your own head. Make the other person feel safe enough to talk.
Calm and Slow – if you’re too much in a hurry, people can feel as if they’re not being heard. When you slow the process down, you also calm it down. Going too fast is one of the mistakes all negotiators are prone to making.
Mirroring - is essentially imitation, where we copy each other to comfort each other. Chris shares the impact of repeating (or mirroring) the last three words, or the critical one to three words, of what someone has just said.
Label – labelling is a way of validating someone’s emotion by acknowledging them. Instead of denying or ignoring emotions, good negotiators identify and influence them. Spot the persons feelings, turn them into words, and then very calmly and respectfully repeat their emotions back.
Empathy – Chris writes that empathy is paying attention to another human being, asking what they are feeling, and making a commitment to understanding their world. Seek to understand the situation from the other person’s perspective
Calibrated Questions – ask questions that start with the words ‘how’ and ‘what’. Avoid questions that can be answered with ‘yes’ or small bits of information. And avoid asking questions that start with ‘why’, these translate as accusation.
Body Language - pay close attention to tone of voice and body language. Notice incongruence between the person’s words and nonverbal signs.
No doubt these skills sound familiar! While the outcome of a high stakes negotiation and a coaching conversation are clearly different, the same important skills apply to both. Chris shares how bringing all of these together, like a conductor, will result in a successful negotiating process. The book then elaborates on how we can use these skills in daily life, for example purchasing a car or negotiating a salary hike.
This is a book I highly recommend. It will help you to take the skills you may already have and to learn to apply these when negotiating. This is a very helpful and practical read.