Why is it that when we give feedback we so often feel right, yet when we receive feedback it so often feels wrong? This is a great question posed by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen in their excellent book - ‘Thanks for the Feedback’. Much is written around how to give feedback, but this book is all about how to receive feedback.
The authors define feedback as any information about yourself. It can be formal or informal, solicited or unwanted, positive or negative, obvious or subtle, from a friend or your boss, verbal or non-verbal. It could be the boss giving you feedback on your presentation or your teenage son screwing up his face in response to your suggestion. These are all information that we can receive as feedback.
Many of us have an emotional response to feedback or instantly become defensive. Learning to pause, take stock, and ask, “What kind of feedback am I dealing with?” and “What is triggering my emotions?” will help us to process what we are receiving.
The authors divide feedback into three categories: -
Appreciation – we feel seen, valued, acknowledged
Coaching – suggestions and tips to help us learn, grow or change
Evaluation - tells us where we stand, an assessment or ranking
Once we determine what kind of feedback we are receiving, there are three more categories to consider. These help us to understand what the trigger behind our knee jerk reaction might be. Our emotional reaction could be because of a: -
Truth Trigger – Where we believe the feedback is wrong, unfair or unhelpful.
Relationship trigger - I can’t hear this feedback from you! Feedback is coloured by the relationship between the giver and receiver.
Identity trigger – Our identity, a sense of who we are, has come undone. We feel threatened, overwhelmed, ashamed or off-balance.
I have found this very helpful - to identify what type of feedback I am receiving and what my own internal trigger might be. Once we have a clearer picture of this, then we are ready to pause and ask a few good questions for reflection and personal growth. These questions might include: -
Seeking clarity, to understand: -
Can you give me an example of that?
Please describe what you mean by that?
What could I do that would help me improve?
Asking yourself: -
What’s right? – What makes sense about what they are saying? How might this be helpful?
How do we see this differently? What’s different about the information we are looking at? What’s different about our interpretation? What makes us see this differently?
Moving Forward – What’s one thing I could work on? What options do we have for moving forward?
If we all got better at receiving feedback, we would be much easier to work with and live with! Our relationships would be richer, and we would see feedback as an opportunity for growth. I recommend that you add this book to your reading list for your own personal growth when it comes to receiving feedback.