How would you rate your ability to listen? Or how would those dear to you rate your listening? Most of us would quickly admit we have room to grow in this area. Listening takes effort and intentionality which we often don’t give, yet we all crave to be deeply understood and known.
Kate Murphy states, “An attentive listener changes the quality of the conversation.” Imagine that! You have the ability and power to change the quality of the conversations you are part of.
You’re Not Listening is the most helpful book I have read on this topic in a long while. I appreciate the research supporting the writing and it is clear that the author has interviewed many people in the process of bringing depth and insight to the topic.
“Listening is fundamental to any successful relationship,” says Kate Murphy, and when we ponder this, we know it to be true. Think about your relationships where quality listening is lacking. They are likely to be limited in their connection, depth and trust. And while we understand the difference good listening makes, most of us are still not great at practicing this. It seems that those who have developed their listening skills have much richer lives.
Each chapter of this book brings different perspectives and insights about what it takes to listen well. While we can learn the outer techniques that look like we appear to be listening, it is our inner posture of curiosity, openness, wanting to receive and willingness to learn from others, that helps us to show up as a good listener. Murphy writes, “Listening requires, more than anything, curiosity.”
The chapters on closeness-communication bias and confirmation and expectancy bias have some great food for thought. Closeness communication bias was a new concept for me, and I can see it clearly in my own life. We make assumptions about those we love, who are closest too us, and we don’t respond with the same curiosity. Murphy suggests that assumptions are earplugs. Thinking we already know how a conversation will go, what the person thinks or how they will respond, kills curiosity and undermines listening.
There are many great insights about what gets in the way of us listening well, often related to our internal biases, self-talk, emotional state or social anxiety. One new concept I learned was that of supporting verses shifting the conversation. For most of us we relate with a shift response, which directs attention away from the speaker and back onto us. Whereas, a support response, encourages elaboration from the speaker, where we ask curious questions to solicit more information and seek to truly understand. How often are we guilty of shifting a conversation to ourselves and not mining the gold in what our friend or colleague is sharing? Good listeners are all about the support response.
This book contains many great insights. I recommend you go ahead and order it and start reading.
Remember - an attentive listener changes the quality of the conversation. That can be you!